You Know the Difference
You can feel it the moment it happens. You’re talking, and suddenly their eyes shift. Or worse, they stay locked on yours, but the light behind them is gone. They nod, but you know they’re somewhere else. In their head. Already halfway to their reply.
Even if they don’t mean it that way, it lands like a door closing.
And you know what it feels like on the other side, too. When someone really listens with no distractions, no rush to speak, no performance. Just presence. It’s rare. So rare that when it happens, it feels like an exhale you didn’t realize you were holding.
Presence Isn’t Easy, Especially When You’re Burned Out
Presence takes effort. And effort takes energy. But for most of us, energy is in short supply. Here’s a solid truth for us all:
Work isn’t the only part of life you’re living.
That’s why presence can feel impossible, especially when you’re burned out, whether at work, at home or both. Here’s how burnout blocks us, piece by piece:
- Mental overload scatters our focus because our minds are filled with too many unfinished tasks and worries. Not just projects and deadlines, but forgotten texts, half-read emails, dental appointments, kids’ schedules, personal relationships, health, and background dread from the latest headlines. We’re living ten lives at once, and it shows.
- Physical exhaustion puts us on autopilot. Our bodies start conserving energy wherever they can. So we drive to work and don’t remember the drive. We answer questions with empty phrases just to keep surviving moment by moment. We nod, we say “mmhmm,” but we haven’t really absorbed a word because the truth is, we’re just too damn tired.
- Emotional fatigue means we’re worn thin from trying to hold it together through weeks or months of chronic stress. It’s not just being tired, it’s being tapped out. Patience, curiosity, even compassion start to fray when there’s no emotional margin left. You ever hear someone say, “You are getting on my last nerve”? That’s not just a saying. It’s emotional depletion speaking out loud, whether the person saying it realizes it or not.
- Repetition fatigue is the silent killer of connection. Sometimes we tune people out not because we’re rude, but because we’ve heard it before, whether from them or others in our lives. And sometimes, we repeat ourselves not because we have something new to say, but because no one really listened the first time. Are you repeating yourself because you’ve never really been heard? So, too, are others.
TL;DR: It’s not that people don’t want to listen. They’re just too spent to show up like that. And you might be, too.
Why It Matters: Presence Is a Quiet Act of Rebellion
In a world that rewards speed, presence is a slowdown. In a culture that prizes performance, presence is real. And in a workplace that too often dehumanizes, presence says: I see you. I’m with you.
When we’re truly listened to, we feel real. When we’re not, it chips away at our sense of mattering. And when we offer presence to someone else, even just once, we get something back, too. We remember we exist.
Let me tell you a story.
Years ago, I took over a struggling project where everyone dismissed the one guy who’d been there since the beginning. People rolled their eyes when he spoke. They muted him on calls. I was told to ignore him. But I scheduled a one-on-one anyway. I asked him for the project’s history, his insights, his frustrations, what he thought should happen next. We spent three hours together on that call.
Turns out, he had the missing pieces no one else had taken the time to see. He helped me find the root cause of a vendor’s mistake, saved the company money, and became a project friend for life.
That’s what presence can do.
What If You’re the One Being Ignored?
Sometimes you are the one being nodded at, half-heard, or brushed aside.
Yes, it hurts. But remember: their distraction isn’t about your worth. Their behavior reflects them, not you.
Still, you can protect yourself:
- Check your timing. Ask: “Hey, is now a good time to share something important?” Don’t assume they’re ready to receive what you need to say.
- Notice if you’re repeating yourself. What message do you wish someone would hear? Maybe you need a different listener, not a louder voice.
- Ask for what you need. “I’d like your full attention for this. When would work better?” That’s not weakness. That’s wisdom.
Small Shifts That Make a Big Difference
You don’t have to be present all the time, especially given what all is sitting on your plate at any given moment. But once today, in one conversation, here are a list of things you might give a try:
- Pause for a beat before replying to the person you’re speaking with. Don’t look away. Look them in the eyes, and consider what you think they really need from you. Just to be heard, which you can acknowledge? Or are they asking you to actually do something?
- Put the phone face-down…or better yet, out of reach and on mute. Not because I’m anti-smartphone, but because the moment your phone dings, your mind pings to the phone, rather than remaining in the moment’s conversation.
- Ask one curious question before sharing your thoughts. It shows interest, and you may be surprised by the results. If someone’s telling you the story of their overbearing coworker for the hundredth time, what haven’t they yet shared that might be the entire reason they keep resharing the same angst?
- Reflect what you heard to show the other person you have heard. Not because I’m hawking “active listening,” but because I advocate for genuine connection. Don’t pretend you want to understand. Actually try to understand. “Let me make sure I get what you’re saying… when you said xyz, you meant…”
- Notice if you’re rehearsing your reply in your head rather than actually listening to the other person’s words, and come back to their words on purpose. Thinking ahead to what you want to say before they’ve finished their thought is like wondering about road construction up ahead while forgetting to make sure you’re driving safely right now.
- Say honestly if you can’t give your full attention at that exact moment, and invite them to connect on the subject at a later time. Something like this, for example: “I’d like to have time and space to talk about this. Would you find 30 minutes on my calendar and set it up?”
Presence isn’t about perfection. It’s about care.
Closing Thought: You’re Still in There
Burnout numbs us. It scatters us.
Presence calls us back to ourselves.
No, presence isn’t a fix-all. It won’t erase fatigue or lift the load overnight. That requires a larger-picture look at your life and what might be needed to work through and resolve the causes of your particular shade of burnout.
But being present might, for a moment, remind you that you’re still in there, still relevant. That you still exist as yourself, despite the whole world bombarding you with what it says you should be.
And that’s worth everything.
One More Thing…
If you catch yourself repeating the same story, you’re not broken. You might just be waiting to be heard.
Try writing it down, sharing it with someone new, or even start out by saying, “I know I’ve said this before, but I’m still holding it.” Maybe this should become a ‘Dear Diary’ moment. Maybe you could even turn to a GenAI tool like ChatGPT just to get it off your chest, knowing for once, the attention is all on you. Whatever road you choose, the following is undeniable: the moment someone really listens is the moment the story can finally rest, because in that moment, you finally felt heard.
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