Burnout doesn’t just come from tasks. It comes from language — spoken, unspoken, internalized — in both corporate life and personal life. The words we hear, absorb, and even speak ourselves, carry weight. They shape how we perceive our worth, how safe we feel in our environments, and how much emotional labor we expend just to exist in them.
Unclear expectations, constant criticism, casual dismissal, or even the tone of our own inner voice — these aren’t just stressors. They’re burdens that quietly accumulate until exhaustion sets in. Because the words we speak and absorb shape how we see ourselves, how we interpret our value, and how safe or unsafe we feel in any given space. Every loaded phrase, unspoken judgment, or constant self-correction adds weight — and over time, that weight becomes burnout.
This is the first article in a five-part series I’m calling “Be Careful What You Say (and Hear),” an exploration of something many feel instinctively but haven’t always had words for:
That what someone says — whether to your face or behind your back — reflects far more about them than it ever could about you.
It’s true in the workplace. It’s true in families. It’s true online. And it’s exhausting.
The Mirror Effect
Every word that comes out of someone’s mouth (or fingertips) is a window into where they are emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Especially in times of stress. Especially when it gets sharp.
- When someone gossips about a co-worker’s mistake, they’re often revealing their own fear of failure.
- When a manager harshly criticizes someone in public, they may be reflecting their own anxiety about how they appear to leadership.
- When a colleague constantly vents about how “no one else is competent,” they’re showing how threatened they feel about being outshined.
Even praise can reveal more about the speaker than the subject.
- When someone publicly applauds a teammate in a way that feels performative (e.g. over the top), it might be a bid for association. Or control. Or self-image management.
The point isn’t to psychoanalyze everyone around us. The point is to recognize the pattern so we stop making everything someone else says (or writes) about us. Because the moment you internalize someone else’s harsh words as truth, burnout begins.
Workplace Example: The “Feedback” That Isn’t
Let’s say a director tells you in a team meeting: “Your update was too long. You need to get to the point faster.”
But there’s no clear direction, no support, no explanation of expectations. And depending on their tone of voice, it might have stung a bit, especially in front of the rest of the attendees.
What might be going on?
- The director may have been interrupted earlier and feel disrespected, leading them to resent that you had ample time for a “longer” update.
- They might be under pressure from their boss and lashing out sideways, especially if your update has something to do (positive or negative) with their role.
- They might simply be impatient and unaware of their tone. A lot of people in the workplace are overwhelmed and burned out, and that can lend itself to short-temperedness and simply a desire to “get on with it” because there’s just so much to get on with.
That director’s words might land on you like a personal indictment. But the truth is, they were never really about you. That doesn’t mean the feedback doesn’t need unpacking. Maybe you could make your updates shorter. Whether or not that’s true, what that moment does mean, is that you don’t have to absorb the emotion underneath it, no matter how it was said, as your own.
It Works in Reverse, Too
Before we get too comfortable focusing on others’ internal issues from the safety of the receiving end, let’s tell the truth with each other right now: we do this, too.
- When we talk about a toxic coworker behind their back, are we processing pain or avoiding confrontation? What you say and how you say it matters. It’s important that you learn to self-identify before you open your mouth, otherwise you’re perpetuating the problem rather than helping to stop it.
- When we vent to one of our coworkers about how clueless upper management is, are we naming real dysfunction with the aim of helping them and ourselves? Or are we sidestepping our own fears about speaking up? Certainly those fears could be justified, as I have run afoul of such things many times over my career. But you can make yourself a target by venting, especially if the other person sees it as an opportunity to reveal to others what you’ve been saying.
- When we “correct” a teammate in front of others, are we helping… or showing off? Was your feedback solicited? And even if it was, how you give that feedback is just as important as giving the feedback honestly. Being sharp or cruel in word choice or tone, remember, says more about you than it does about the teammate. And we all know that such slip-ups can have consequences for us on the team, in the department, and in the company as a whole.
Just remember this axiom: What we say says a lot about us. But how we say it — and why — says even more.
Practical Grounding: What You Can Do
- When someone speaks sharply to you, pause.
Ask yourself: What might this be showing me about where they are? Not to excuse bad behavior, but to keep it from lodging in your own heart. Whatever they said reflects their inner self, not yours — and when you absorb that emotional residue as truth, it adds to the invisible weight you’re already carrying. Over time, enough of those moments can quietly chip away at your energy, your clarity, and your sense of self. That’s how burnout begins to creep in through words alone. - When you speak about others, check your motive.
Are you venting to be heard, or to tear someone down and feel momentarily superior? Why do you want to “bad-mouth” that person to someone else? What are you really relating? What’s the purpose of you saying something at all? - Name what’s real, but don’t carry what isn’t yours.
You can receive feedback, correct mistakes, or even acknowledge relational tension without assuming every sharp edge was meant for your soul. Whatever the other person’s tone was, it was about them. Dissect their words to see if there are any nuggets of truth, and be honest with yourself about it, but don’t take on their internals that caused them to speak unkindly. - Watch your own language patterns.
Notice what stories you repeat. What jokes you make. What frustrations you share. What type of language you use. That’s your mirror, too, as much as the other person’s patterns are their mirror. Become self-aware or, as inscribed upon the archway of Apollo’s Delphi temple: Know Thyself.
Closing Thought
Language is more than noise. It’s a trail of breadcrumbs leading back to belief, identity, fear, and intention.
What you say — and what others say about you or to you — is never just about the words, no matter what language they’re in. It’s about who you (and they) are when you say (and they) them.
And if we can learn to stop, hear, and reflect on what we’re really saying — and what we’re really hearing — we just might begin to untangle a deeper layer of the burnout so many of us are quietly carrying.
I’d love to hear from you about times you were on the giving or receiving end of some harsh words at work. What (if any) were the consequences? Did you recognize at the time what was happening? Or are you only just now thinking, “Oh, man, I shouldn’t have said it like that.”?
Next week: “You Said the Right Thing — But Everyone Heard Something Else”
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